Tell me goodbye [REVIEW]

Author: Cheese_ohmyx!
Title: Tell Me Goodbye
Link: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/Cheese_ohmyx/
Reviewer: purple_lilly
Site: Writers Strike - VST http://writer-strike-vst.blogspot.com/

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Title: 5/5
A title I haven’t come across before. It also fits in with the plot!

Poster/Background: 9/10
The poster colours fits in with the title and the concept used are also linked with the plot in your storyline. The background is also fitting into the theme; however you could have used a quote, or image or even the same poster which would make the final score for this section of marking.

Forewords: 8.5/10
The forewords tell us many things, but possibly too many things. Also, the names almost confused me because you had left a comma in between their last name and first name. It’s always good to try and describe it by using rhetorical questions.

So instead of;
‘Kwon, Jiyong(G-Dragon) had this perfect life, with this perfect girl. He had the house and the money and cars. He had the voice and the dance moves. But one day the love of his life was taken away from him by the notorious mafia leader Choi, Seung-Hyun(T.O.P). T.O.P called him as soon as his guys (Kang, DaeSung, & Kim, Hyung-jun) came in and took Park, Su-min away from G-Dragon. He teased G-Dragon in a way before threatening him and then hangs up.’

Try;

Kwon Jiyong (G-Dragon) has the perfect life, with a perfect girl. He has the house, the money and the cars. He has the voice and the dance moves. However, what happens when that one perfect girl - the love of his life - is taken away from him from the notorious mafia leader Choi Seung-Hyun (T.O.P)? As soon as his guys, (Kang Daesung and Kim Hyung-Jun) come in take Park Su-Min away from G-Dragon, signals of dangers aim his way. Once taken away, only more torment has to be taken by G-Dragon as T.O.P constantly plays with his mind in a way before threatening him and hanging up.


Plot: 10/15
The plot fits the forewords well and accurately, also giving extended happenings in many chapters to give off a more interesting read. Although, I really was expecting a lot of things in your storyline to happen because of the mafia group, it happens a lot in other storylines. One thing you could’ve done was that you could’ve made the mafia working for an extraordinary reason. Possibly if Taeyang was the person who killed T.O.P’s father, and he felt like getting revenge so in the end, he uses money as an excuse and kidnaps Taeyang’s best friend’s (G-Dragon) girlfriend and never lets her go – because he can’t have his father back. Then G-Dragon would feel betrayed and angry wouldn’t he? And then you could carry on with more twists evolving. I never thought that there would be one nice person in the group who is only being used by the leader to get what he wants though – I didn’t expect him to like the leader’s sister either! Or have a detective with surrounding problems of his own.

Creativity/Originality: 10 /15
I must say, there are lots of fanfics where someone is put under pressure because of a Mafia gang. Along with that, there’s almost rarely someone who works for the leader that manages to fall in love with the girl who belongs to their enemy and it’s rare to find a detective to get involved with this sort of situation so I have given a 10 out of the15 points available.

Flow: 10 /10
The plot isn’t going too fast or too slow and you don’t miss any unimportant bits out so well done on this.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 6.5/10
You kept forgetting your punctuation mark. In many speeches, you had left a lot of questions without a question mark;

“Am I not your best friend.” he answered me with a question.
This should be;
“Am I not your best friend?” he answered me with another question.
You should also be aware that you should never put a capital word in a word in the middle of a sentence when it isn’t a name, place of object.
“You Can’t answer my question with another question” I said laughing slightly, then smiling. We gave each other that ‘man’ hug.
‘Can’t’ should be ‘can’t’.
“Daesung! Their home, lets get out of here.” Hyung-Jun yelled. I looked at him, I dropped the empty picture frame on the ground and the glass broke.

In this sentence, there is a big mistake but you shouldn’t worry too much because many people get this grammar vocabulary wrong. There is a difference in there, their and they’re. ‘There’ is when you address a location. For eg. There is the library. ‘Their’ is when it’s in possession of more than one person. Eg. Their hats are blue. The sentence above should’ve been;

“Daesung! They’re home, let’s get out of here.”

The reason is because ‘they’re’ is the same as ‘they are’, only the ‘a’ is replaced with a comma.

However, I’ve realised you’ve improved your spellings very well in the rest of the fanfic which made me feel like I should add another point for improving without help!

Characterization: 9/10
From the Forewords, you have told me a very accurate and clear personality of everyone and if their personality wasn’t there, it was later found out in the story judging on their speeches and actions. But I would’ve preferred a more detailed version of every character so I know what they’re all like and it could’ve possibly taken my attention more if more was written.

Writing Style: 9/10
The format is set out well and you know where to start a new paragraph. You also leave lines when a new person speaks so it’s clear for us to understand who is talking. I’ve preferred if you had left a space when you’re describing a new character. But in conclusion, I felt that it was easy and clear to read your chapters because of the way you laid it out so well done!

Overall Enjoyment: 4/5
I enjoyed the storyline, although I have read a huge number of fanfics that have to do with mafias and a guy falling in love with their supposed-to-be enemy’s girlfriend. There was a lot of tension and I hope you don’t feel too down once reading this review because I really did enjoy reading it!

Sub-Total: 81/100

Extras: 5/5
- I’m a VIP and I love fanfics that feature BIGBANG so one mark for that.
- I like that SeungRi isn’t part of the gang or part of G-Dragon’s life – he was simply the detective which is different compared to other fanfics xD
- I just want to be generous because it’s delayed! :)
- I enjoyed reading most of it.
- It’s sad to know Daesung is only being used because of his family background but he is so generous even though nothing goes right for him! An original character! :)

Total: 86/105